hari potta & the philosphr's stne
by Sawasa
Summary: The Abridged Version. Ever wanted to read the entire book in 10 minutes? Well, now you can! (Silliness Rating: 8.5/10)
1. Prologue, Part One and Part Two

"Wicked!"  
  
"Ron! What did you just do?!"   
  
"Uh... I think I just changed Hermione into this piece of paper."   
  
"Really? What does it say?"   
  
"'Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J K Rowling and other rich people, as does the plot. I have merely... simplified things. Please don't sue me.'"   
  
"Sounds like a disclaimer. Hey, d'you know how to change her back?"   
  
"Nnnnnnno."  
  
"I guess we'll just have to leave her like that, then."  
  
  
  
  
  
hari potta & the philosphr's stne: An Abridged Version.  
  
Note from the Editor:   
I know an "abridged version" has been done again and again, so I'm really not going for originality here. I wrote this simply for the amusement of myself and my friends - but I'll be more than happy to hear from anyone who hates or loves this work, or even any one who wants to buy it off me for a large sum of money.  
  
Prelude:   
Cat: Meow.   
Dumbledore: I am a wizard. I can put out lights with a stick. I am eating candy.   
McGonagill: I am a witch. I am also a cat. I am not eating candy.  
Hagrid: I am big and hairy and carrying a baby.   
Dumbledore: We are going to leave the baby here.   
Hagrid: I am sad.   
  
Part One:   
Harry: I am the good guy, I am brave and heroic.   
Uncle Vernon: I am his uncle. I abuse him.   
Aunt Petunia: I am his aunt. I abuse him.   
Dudley: I am his cousin. I abuse him. I am hungry.   
Harry: I am turning ten soon, but no one will remember it is my birthday because they all abuse me. I have some mail.   
Uncle Vernon: I am scared. I will not let Harry read his mail because I abuse him.   
Dudley: Look! There is some more mail! It is all addressed to Harry! I am hungry. Can I eat it?   
Uncle Vernon: No. We are all going far away in a little boat now.   
Harry: This is not a good birthday.   
Hagrid: Knock! Knock! Happy Birthday!   
Harry: Who are you?   
Hagrid: I am Hagrid. I am big and hairy and carrying an umberella, and to show that I am very different from your family I am going to give you this super-duper-special-extra-delicious cake.   
Dudley: I am hungry. I am going to eat it. It tastes good.   
Hagrid: I am angry.   
Dudley: I am a pig. I am hungry.   
Hagrid: I am now going to take Harry away.   
Aunt Petunia: You can not do that.   
Hagrid: Yes I can.   
Aunt Petunia: Oh.   
  
Part Two:   
Hagrid: This is a pub. You should not be in here because you are under-age, but you are the main character, so you are allowed to.   
Quirrel: I am a professor. I have a stutter.   
Crowd: You are Harry Potter!   
Harry: I know.   
Crowd: You are the good guy! You are brave and heroic!   
Harry: I am going to buy a wand. I have no money.   
Hagrid: Yes you do.   
Harry: Oh.   
Hagrid: Your money is in the bank. I will take you to the bank.   
Goblin: I will take you to your vault.   
Harry: I am very rich.   
Hagrid: We need to go to another vault.   
Harry: What is in the other vault?   
Hagrid: I can not tell you.   
Harry: I am perplexed.   
Hagrid: This is the shop where you can buy your wand.   
Ollivander: Try this wand. Try this wand. Try this wand. Try this wand. Try this wand. Try this wand. Try this wand.   
Harry: I am in despair.   
Ollivander: Try this wand. Oh! That is the twin of the wand that killed your parents and disfigured your face.   
Harry: That is not good.   
Hagrid: Here is an owl for you.   
Harry: I like owls. Could you tell me about my scar?   
Hagrid: Yes. It is a scar. It is lightning shaped. It was put there by a bad man. His name was You-Know-Who.   
Harry: I do?   
Hagrid: No, but it is your life mission to find him and kill him because you are the good guy, and you are brave and heroic.   
Harry: Oh. 


	2. Part Three, Part Four and Part Five

"Hey, what did Hermione - I mean, the disclaimer, say again?"   
  
"'Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J K Rowling and other rich people, as does the plot. I have merely... simplified things. Please don't sue me.'"   
  
"Not much help then."   
  
"Nnnnnno."  
  
  
  
  
  
hari potta & the philosphr's stne: An Abridged Version.  
  
Part Three:   
Harry: I am trying to find a platform that doesn't exist.   
Percy: I am Percy. I am a prat.   
Fred: I am Fred. Possibly. I am a twin.   
George: I am George. Possibly. I am a twin.   
Mrs Weasley: To find the platform which doesn't exist, you must walk through a wall.   
Harry: I do not find that at all strange.   
Ron: I am Ron. I have red hair. I am your best friend. Who are you?   
Harry: I am Harry Potter. I am the good guy. I am brave and heroic.   
Neville: I can not find my toad.   
Hermione: I am very intelligent.   
Draco: I am rich and have good hair.   
Harry: This picture is moving. Who is Dumbledore? Who is Nicolas Flamel?   
Ron: We have to get off the boat now.   
Hagrid: You must all get on boats.   
First Years: We are scared.   
Neville: I have lost my toad again.   
Draco: Harry, you are the good guy but if you like you can be evil now.   
Harry: No.   
Draco: Oh.   
Sorting Hat: I am a cap! I can rap! I can also read maps!   
Crowd: It is Harry Potter! He is the good guy! He is brave and heroic!   
Sorting Hat: I will give you the choice as to which house you are in, because you are the good guy.   
Harry: I do not want to be in Slytherin, even though I can talk to snakes and even though all the people in Slytherin have good hair.   
Sorting Hat: Then you are in Gryffindor.   
Gryffindors: Yay!  
Snape: I have greasy hair. I am angry.   
Harry: My scar hurts.   
Dumbledore: There is a forbidden corridor which no one must go down-   
Students: 'K.   
Dumbledore: -except Harry Potter, because he is the good guy.   
Neville: I can not fly. I have fallen off my broom. Ouch.   
Draco: I am rich. I have good hair. I am making fun of Neville.   
Harry: I have never flown before but I am very good at it.   
McGonagill: I might be angry at you.   
Harry: I am scared.   
McGonagill: You are good at Quidditch.   
Wood: Yes, you are good at Quidditch. You are on our team.   
Harry: Yay!  
McGonagil: Here, have a broom.  
Harry: Look, I have a cape.   
Ron: It makes you invisible.   
Harry: Ooooh, a mirror.   
Dumbledore: Don't look into the Mirror of Erised, Yrrah.   
Harry: 'K.  
  
Part Four:  
Harry: I am lost.   
Ron: Me too.   
Hermione: As am I.   
Harry: Let's go down the forbidden corridor.   
Ron: 'K.   
Hermione: I will open the door, even though it will potentially damage my reputation as the biggest prig in school.   
Harry: There is a big dog.   
All three: We are scared. Let's run away.   
Hermione: Even though I was scared, I still noticed that the dog was guarding something. You two are stupid. I am intelligent.   
Ron: She annoys me.   
Hermione: I am intelligent. I can pronounce things properly.   
Ron: She still annoys me.   
Hermione: I am sad.   
Quirrel: There is a troll!   
Harry: I am the good guy. I am brave and heroic. I must defeat the troll.   
Ron: I am your best friend. I must go too.   
Hermione: There is a troll. I am scared.   
Troll: I am dead.   
Hermione: I am your other best friend now.   
Harry and Ron: Yay!   
Wood: We are playing Quidditch against Slytherin. We have to win.   
Harry: There is something wrong with my broom.   
Ron, Hermione and Hagrid: There is something wrong with Harry's broom.   
All: There is something wrong with Harry's broom.   
Hermione: I will show that I am a pyromaniac by lighting a fire underneath one of my teachers.   
Snape: I have greasy hair. I am muttering to myself. Ow, fire.   
Harry: I have won the game for my team.   
Gryffindor: Yay!  
Hagrid: I have a dragon. I am not supposed to have a dragon.   
Ron: I will give the dragon to my brother.   
Draco: My father is rich. I have good hair. I will tell on you.   
McGonagill: You all have detention.   
Draco: Yay!   
McGonagill: So do you.   
Draco: Oh.   
Hagrid: We are going to the Forbidden Forest. It is a forest which is forbidden. I will partner Harry with Draco, even though they are sworn enemies.   
Draco: There is a scary thing. I will scream like a little girl and run away.   
Harry: I will fall over.   
Dark Shape: I am You-Know-Who.   
Harry: I do?   
Centaur: The stars are pretty.   
  
Part Five:   
Hermione: I am going home. You should go to the forbidden part of the library.   
Harry: I will do that with my invisible cloak.  
Book: Aaaa!   
Harry: I am glad I am invisible.   
Mrs Norris: Meow.   
Hermione: I am back from my holiday.   
Hagrid: I can not tell you that the way to put the three-headed dog to sleep is to play it music. Oops.   
Dog: Zzzzz.   
Music: Tinkle tinkle.   
Dog: I am awake. There are some people here. I am angry.   
Ron, Hermione and Harry: We are scared!   
Ron: I am trapped in vines. I am very scared.   
Hermione: I have lit a fire. You are saved.   
Harry: There are flying keys. I will find the right one. Here it is.   
Ron: This is a giant chess set. I will win, but I will get hurt.   
Hermione and Harry: We are sad.   
Hermione: Here are some magic potions.   
Harry: There is only enough for one of us to drink it.   
Hermione: You should go on. You are the good guy. You are brave and heroic.   
Harry: Gasp! Quirrel! You are a bad guy?  
Quirrel: Yes I am. Under my hat is You-Know-Who.  
Harry: I do?   
Quirrel: The Philosopher's Stone is in this mirror. How do I get it out?   
Harry: It is in my pocket.   
You-Know-Who: I am You-Know-Who. I am the bad guy. I want the stone.   
Harry: You can not have it, because I am the good guy.   
Quirrel: I am dead.   
Harry: I think I am dead too. Wait, no I am not.   
Dumbledore: Gryffindor has won the house cup.   
Gryffindors: Yay!   
Harry: I am going home now. I have had an exciting year, because I am the good guy. 


End file.
